a secret importance

quiverbeforeme:

If couldn’t have been possible for Isa to roll her eyes any harder than she just did. Her mother used to tell her that one day she was going to roll her eyes so hard that they were going to either pop out of her skull and get stuck there. Of course, that only made Isa roll her eyes harder, but the point still stood. Isa rolled her eyes way too much. Sometimes it was subtle, a slight look to the side coupled with a twist of her mouth, and sometimes it was much more pronounced and obvious. Either way, it was the easiest way for her to let whoever she was talking to know they were a complete fucking idiot without having to even open her mouth. It was convenient, because Isa didn’t believe in wasting her words on irrelevant people that didn’t deserve them—a.k.a, most of the human population. 

"Are you done bitching and whining?" she snapped, deciding that Luka and his stupid tirade were worth her opening her mouth. "Because you and I both know that you don’t want me to leave." Her voice shook on her last few words, surprisingly so, considering every word that normally came out of Isa’s word was assertive and purposeful, carefully chosen to convey whatever message she was flinging at whoever was unlucky enough to catch her attention. Still. She took a moment, clearing out her throat as her eyes flickered around the room, as she searched for what she was about to say next.

Instead of saying anything at all, Isa merely stepped closer to Luka, eyes wide and inquisitive as she dragged her gaze up and down his body. He was stiff and tense, completely closed off to her in a way she wasn’t used to. 

The thing was, every time Luka said that he loved her, it went over her head. Oh, she filed his feelings for her away for further use, satisfied that she had that type of hold over him, but it had never occurred to her to say it back. It had never even occurred to her to feel the same way, or even consider it. Unless she was referring to Viktor, love just wasn’t a word that Isa used to describe her feelings for others, simply because she rarely had feelings for others. Other people were boring, other people were bugs that she took pleasure in crushing beneath her six-inch heels, other people were toys for her to play with, break, and dispose of whenever and however she felt like it. 

Luka was different, in every sense of the word. He was powerful and quite possible at the top of the criminal heap, though that wasn’t what explained why she felt so bothered by them fighting. She swallowed, momentarily looking down at her bare feet and toes tapping on the hardwood floor. Isa didn’t want to leave. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks, shocking her to her very core. If he had told her to leave a few months ago she probably would’ve flown out of there without even bating her eye, but now she didn’t want to. She wanted to stay with Luka, she wanted to stay in his house where she could eat his food and sleep in his bed and spend her nights cuddled in his arms. Isa wanted Luka in a way that she had never wanted anyone before, and although it wasn’t much, it was something. 

She wrapped her arms around herself, shoulders dropped in defeat because for one Isa didn’t feel like talking or manipulating herself out of the situation. "Fine," she said, voice quiet and tiny. "I’ll leave." 

pain radiates

quiverbeforeme:

"What the fuck?"

The words were out of Alex’s mouth before she could even stop them, but once they were out there and circling around in the still air, she was glad that she said it. Alex wasn’t one to be rash, wasn’t one to just say things without thinking them through, but this was just too much.

Alex also wasn’t a violent person. She wasn’t above getting down and dirty and using her fists when the situation called for it, but unless she was drunk off her ass, she tended to use brain over brawn. When she was angry she kept her mouth shut and hands at her sides so that she wouldn’t say or do anything she would regret, but this was something much more powerful and forceful than anger. It pulsed through her entire body, making her feel as though she was standing shock-still and shaking at the same time. She didn’t know what it was, but she felt sick. As she looked at Sam’s naked body intertwined with Ryan’s, she felt sick, disgusted, angry, and so many other feelings and emotions that she couldn’t even place. 

Her feet moved before her brain could catch up with them, carrying her away, away, away from the bedroom that she shared with Sam. She stopped at the kitchen, hands digging into the counter-top as she closed her eyes and tried to rub that image out of her head, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t. It was all she saw, Sam on top of the tiny, taller girl, their lips pressed together and Sam’s hand buried between Ryan’s legs. It all she heard, too, their soft moans and Ryan’s pleading voice of "More Sam, more, more, more." 

And then her feet were moving again, moving her out of the room and out of the house altogether, out onto the street and the fresh air and the shining sunlight. She sunk down onto the front steps, head resting on the stair railings beside her. 

Was this what Sam meant when she told Ryan she loved her? Alex had always just chalked it up to sisterly love, the fact that they two of them were so affectionate with each other, but was this why? Alex didn’t have a problem with Sam sleeping with other girls; it would be hypocritical of her to, seeing as how she spent an awful lot of her time with her head buried between the legs of malnourished drug addicts, but this was different. This wasn’t just some girl Sam picked up off the street, this was her sister, one of the people Alex knew Sam loved most in the world. This was what cheating actually was, something that led to a pang that radiated throughout Alex’s entire body.  There were a lot of things that Alex would accept and excuse from Sam, but this…this was something of an entirely different category.

This was something Alex didn’t know if she could forgive. 

importance.

There were a few things that were important to him and all of them were very defined. There were no gray spaces with him—either it was important to him, or it was disposable. His family was important—his siblings, his parents, his son—and his work was. That had been everything for a long time. But then Isa came into his life. She was something different, and he’d always been attracted to different things. He almost didn’t expect her to stay around after the first night, but then she did, and stayed for the second, and the third and so on. It’s been almost a year now, and yet she was still with him. She became another thing that held a spot of importance in his life, in his heart, and he didn’t want to let that go.

But right now, she wasn’t something important to him. She was something absolutely infuriating.

“I don’t fucking understand you.” Luka shook his head and turned so that she could only see the outline of his face. Her casualness was appalling and only made him angrier. They fought all of the time; living with Isa and not fighting with her was impossible unless you were her brother, or you were dead. Even the fact that she stayed around to fight with him said something about her feelings towards him, but that didn’t matter now. “I love you and I’ve told you this over and over again. You’re so goddamn selfish you won’t even take the time to consider how I feel.” He laughed dryly. “You’re so important to me, you make me so damn happy and you don’t even realize it. I didn’t think you’d stay, I didn’t think you’d stay and you did and sometimes I really wish you hadn’t. So much fucking heartache and you care so little about the fact that I love you and you’re important to me.”

He didn’t say anything for a moment and was surprised she hadn’t walked away yet. “Get out,” he said in a low voice, feeling all of the energy to fight go out of him. She was so important to him, and she didn’t care. Luka felt himself digging and early grave every time he tried to change her mind or make her realize or even care about how much he loved her. “Just get out.”

and i hate that i love you

quiverbeforeme:

"You’re so pretty," Ryan whispered as she watched Sam’s chest rise and fall, breasts pointing to the ceiling as her legs tangled in the bed covers. It made Ryan hurt to see Sam like this—so relaxed and quiet, with her hair fanned out along the pillow and a minuscule smile sitting on her lips—it made Ryan’s entire body ache.

Ryan knew a lot of things. She soaked up university lectures like a sponge, devoured books and positively adored the Discovery Channel. She could rattle off so many useless facts at the top of her tongue, but when it came to Sam she was completely and utterly speechless. When it came to Sam, Ryan was dumbstruck and in awe, left to only stare at her and try to comprehend everything that had to do with her older sister. That’s why she had started the list when she was 17, she had scribbled down everything about Sam that made her heart jump and body ache—but hadn’t been enough. She had ended it with “to be continued” after writing down everything that came to mind, but there was no way she could continue. Not when she loved Sam so much that it hurt, not when she knew she couldn’t have her sister no matter how badly she wanted her. What was the point?

"You’re so pretty and I hate you for it," Ryan whispered as she snuggled herself into Sam, wrapping her arms around her sister and burying her head into her shoulder. Her nose dragged along Sam’s skin and she breathed in her scent, fingers softly tracing along the body she knew so well. These soft, quiet moments spent with Sam were so rare now that she had a girlfriend—Alex had barged into Ryan’s life and taken the only thing she really cared about without even realizing it. Alex had Ryan’s entire world in her hand and she didn’t even know it, and she hated Sam for giving herself away to Alex almost as much as she loved her. It didn’t make sense to Ryan and it probably never would; why would Sam even begin to bother with someone else when Ryan was here for her? What could she possibly want or need that Ryan couldn’t give her. 

It would’ve been so easy to roll on top of her sister, kiss her lovingly on the lips and bash her head in with the beside lamp in the same breath. Maybe then the spell and hold that Sam had over her could be broken, maybe then Ryan could learn to be happy with someone else. Maybe, just maybe, but Ryan knew she could never do it. She’d sooner kill herself than be without Sam, not matter how badly seeing Sam with Alex ripped Ryan’s heart into pieces. 

"I hate you so much," Ryan muttered into Sam’s skin, tears forming in her eyes and traveling down her cheek, landing on Sam’s skin one after the other. "I hate you for making me love you. I hate you for not loving me like you should. I hate you for loving her." 

Ryan let the tears fall, planting soft kisses along Sam’s skin as she let her hand travel lower, feeling between Sam’s leg for her warmth. "I hate you so much," she whispered as she began to stroke her, hoping that once Sam was awake they could roll around in the sheets until Ryan forgot how much it hurt to be in love with her. 

journal entry - age 13

quiverbeforeme:

july 26

Sam showed me something today that was very interesting. I don’t really know how to talk about this, so I guess I’ll start from the beginning. 

I know what sex is. I know what masturbation is, I just didn’t really knowthat much about it. I didn’t want to Google it or ask my friends, so I did the only thing I could think of: I asked Sam. I don’t know if that was a good idea or not, because she didn’t just tell me. She showed me. 

And…wow. I know what vaginas look like. (Sidenote: there are so many different words you can use for vagina. I really like pussy. Or cunt. Those sound really cool.) 

I’m getting off topic, aren’t I? That happens a lot. I need to work on that.

ANYWAYS.

Sam showed me how to masturbate today. She took off all of her clothes and made me look at her naked body. I’ve seen Sam naked before because sometimes we shower together, but this was different. She was dry…but wet down there, and she began to touch herself all over. 

I don’t think that masturbating is something you’re supposed to share with your family members. I don’t think you’re supposed to shower with your sister either—I think that’s only okay when you’re a little kid. I don’t think I’m supposed to watch Sam stick her fingers inside herself and touch her nipples and I don’t think I’m supposed to enjoy it.

That’s the weirdest thing. When I was watching her, I couldn’t look away. She had her eyes closed and her mouth was open and she was making these noises, and it made me feel weird inside. It was weird and I wanted to touch her, and when she pulled her fingers out there were all wet and I wanted my fingers to be wet too.

I don’t know how to feel about this. All I know is that there’s this weird feeling inside of me, and I think I wanna try this masturbation thing. Maybe it’ll make me feel better.

She said that you can think of something that makes you “horny and wet” when you’re doing it. I’m going to think of her

Journal Entry 527 - Age 25.

I got off from work at one in the afternoon today because all of my appointments had been done early (as usual) and all of the expected walk in were to be done by the others. I rubbed myself off twice in the five hours I was there. It wasn’t nearly enough.

There’s a middle a school a few miles down from the shop. You can always tell which is the prime target. Or rather, I can always tell. When they’re walking alone, head down, hair blowing in the wind. No one coming to get them, no one paying attention. I had watched her for two weeks before approaching her. I gave her a name and smiled, asked her if she knew the name of my imaginary little sister. She didn’t. I kept conversation going. I knew her name before she even told me—Samantha—and I told her that was funny, because Sam was my name as well.

Before long—and after a fake phone call from the fake sister—we were walking again together, the school fading in the distance.

I asked her if she wanted a ride. She hesitated. I told her I had to pick my sister up on the way.

I don’t remember how old she was, twelve or thirteen maybe, but she had that innocent scent that stuck to her even after she was bleeding on the ground of the basement.

She was blonde, too.

when your body betrays you

quiverbeforeme:

"Fuck."

The word fell from her lips, softly, so soft that she wasn’t even sure she had said anything. 

Fuck.”

And there it was again. Louder, more urgent with a sense of confusion and just a hint of anger. But really, it was just this unbelievable sense that Isa’s body had betrayed her. 

Isa had been on birth control since she had started having sex. Condom’s were a given, but that had changed since she had regularly started sleeping with Luka. Or dating. Whatever. They were dating, weren’t they? Isa frowned, scrunching up her nose as she turned the thought over in her mind. The very word was so strange to her, considering she had never applied it to any relationship she’d ever had. It fit, and if she was being completely honest with herself, she felt a certain fondness for him.

The thing was, Isa was always in control. She was in control of her thoughts, her actions, her feelings, and pretty much every aspect of her life, so when she looked down at the white stick sitting in her hand, all she felt was confusion. For once she was out of control, and it was because her own body had betrayed her. 

"Fuck." This time it was a whisper, and Isa set the pregnancy test stick on the counter beside the other four. Four pregnancy tests and four pink plus signs. There was no debating it. There was no way she could talk, threaten, or seduce her way out of this. 

Isa was pregnant. 

She pushed herself off of the toilet, moving so that she could stare at herself in the mirror. Hands pushed her tank top up to reveal a smooth, pale stomach that showed nothing of the baby that was no growing inside of her. Her teeth sunk into her bottom lip as she moved her hands over her stomach, as if she could somehow feel what was going on. 

It would be so easy for her to take care of this. She could go to bed like nothing had happened, curl up in Luka’s arms or fuck him until both of them were tired and sore, and then head to the nearest clinic first thing in the morning. It would be so easy, but Isa found herself searching for other options as she hollowly stared at herself. 

"Fuck," she muttered again, viciously turning off the bathroom light. It was easier sitting in darkness than it was looking at herself, looking at her stomach as if she could stare her baby out of her uterus. 

As she walked out of the bathroom door she realized that she had left the tests in plain sight on the counter, that if Luka decided to go to the bathroom he would see them immediately, but the thought passed right by her. She was pregnant. She was pregnant, and for the first time she would be giving Luka something he wanted. Not that she really gave a fuck about Luka and what he wanted, but that’s what people did when they were fond of others, right? Gave them nice things, gave them what they wanted?

Isa sighed, wrapping her arms around her body in a self hug as if she was a child. She briefly registered Luka stretched out on his side watching TV as she slid into the bed and pulled the covers around herself. 

"Hey Luka?" Isa asked, voice barely audible over the sound of the TV. "I’m pregnant." 

stay.

“Shhh shh,” Sam’s cheek was pressed against her sister’s shoulder as she laid flat on her stomach next to her. Ryan’s arm was caressing Sam’s bare ass as Sam whispered into her ear. They had been sitting like that, laying like that, for what seemed like an eternity. She could still feel the sweat running down Ryan’s cheek, only a little, not as much from their days activities than from her sister’s own anger. It was Sam she was angry at, for the only thing she ever did get angry about: Alex. Sam leaned over to kiss Ryan’s hear and she heard her moan a little bit.

Sam bit her bottom lip. “I love you more than the sun and the moon and the stars.” She closed her eyes, imagining the universe, all of that nothing compared to the love she had for the girl in the bed next to her. She would tell her this over and over and yet she would doubt the validity of her statement just because Sam also loved someone else. There was very little understanding on Sam’s part; she loved Ryan and she loved Alex; why couldn’t she have both?

“Don’t ever leave me, girl,” her voice was low, but had aggressive undertones; Sam rested her arm right under her sister’s breast, twirling her finger around her nipple. “Don’t ever stop loving me. I could never be happy without you in my life.”

nika development 001

AGE: 26

BIRTHDAY: August 18th

HAIR COLOR: Brown

EYE COLOR: Brown

NATIONALITY: Russian

ACCENT: Russian

HEIGHT: 5’7

WEIGHT: 132

TATTOOS: These: http://serbians.tumblr.com/post/68498556034http://serbians.tumblr.com/post/68028062518http://serbians.tumblr.com/post/67530872729

PIERCINGS: Four down her left ear, three down her right, nose ring on the right side, belly button, nipples. 

BIRTHMARKS: Small dark mark on her thigh. 

DISFIGUREMENTSn/a

SCARS: A few different burn scars on her hands and wrists from candles, one burn mark on the inside of her thigh from dropping a candle on herself.

NICKNAMES/NICKNAME ORIGIN: Nik.

zoya headcanon 001

Zoya knew she was a lesbian from a young age and started becoming sexually active almost right away, to her father’s dismay. 

HW